Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
