Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
