your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
