38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
