sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
