Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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