What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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