He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
