You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
