I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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