I accidentally had phone sex last night
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to fling myself into the sun
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
