You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
