new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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