i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize