Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
