he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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