woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
