Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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