you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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