I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize