i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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