just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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