so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
