Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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