the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
