3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
