so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
