Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
