My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
