dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
