so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
