Little spoons don't ask big questions
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
