Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
