I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
