seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
