There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
