Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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