It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
