My sheets look like a crime scene.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
