pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
