yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
