Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize