She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
