...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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