Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
