booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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