So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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