My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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