If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
