I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
