Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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