im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
