my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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