There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My ass is underappreciated
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
