i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm bleeding and have questions
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
