next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
