Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize