Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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