I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
