I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
