Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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