we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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