She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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