I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
