is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
