it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
