I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
