Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
