I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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