i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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